you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
