Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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