Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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