2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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