how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
