I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize