He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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