You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
