My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
