I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
