matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
