My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
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