hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My dad just said "fuck circus"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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