I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
