For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
