She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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