Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
