3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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