And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
