im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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