Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I intend to get homeless drunk
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
