this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
