I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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