Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
