wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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