I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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