see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
