I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
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I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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