i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
