He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
