So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!