Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
