they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i only shaved half my leg
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...