She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
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Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
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I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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