Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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