He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
