i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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