Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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