How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
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I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
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I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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