Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
