Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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