When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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