I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
