I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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