Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
