I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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