So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
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If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
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Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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