its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
