No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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