Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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