Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
