i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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