Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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