apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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