I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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