gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
