So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
