recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
