I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
